Not Wild About “The Zookeeper”

Keep out!

As I was checking my Timex while watching the insipid “Zookeeper” yesterday, I had two thoughts: What could I have done with the six bucks I just wasted, and, more importantly, what could I have accomplished with the two hours I was throwing away.

Ken Jeong, Kevin James, and Rosario Dawson work at the zoo together.

This was such a terrible, stupid movie! There’s just no sugarcoating it. Look up “awful” in the dictionary, and you’ll not only see a photo of Kevin James but also one of Ken Jeong. Ken, get a new schtick! I’m tired of you and Julia Roberts ruining movies for me.

I guess I should’ve known that I probably would dislike “The Zookeeper” once I saw that Adam Sandler was involved as a producer and an animal voice (the monkey). He even torments me in movies he doesn’t star in!

Sidebar: Think I’m going to see Sandler’s new flick “Jack and Jill” where he plays both lead characters, fraternal twins? Think again. Sounds doubly horrible!

Zookeeper Griffin Keyes relates to Bernie the gorilla.

So what’s so bad about a movie with talking animals? When it comes to “The Zookeeper,” what isn’t?

Shallow and ditzy but beautiful Samantha (Leslie Bibb) rejects the marriage proposal of Griffin Keyes (James) because he’s a lowly zookeeper. Five years later he’s still happily watching out for the animals when he sees her again. The wild things decide to break their code of silence with humans and help win back someone that no guy in his right mind should ever be interested in . . . especially when the perfect mate in fellow zoo employee Kate (Rosario Dawson) works right beside him.

Kate and Griffin feel a connection as they swing at Griff's brother's wedding.

I’d say that “The Zookeeper” was written by a 12-year-old boy, but that would be an insult . . . to the preteen. The script is dreadful plus there’s no feeling of investment with any of the characters. You don’t care what happens to any of them. I like this quote from Peter Rainer of the “Christian Science Monitor”: “I think there should be a subdivision of the ASPCA — American Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Audiences.”

Exactly!

So what did my family’s males think of the movie? Of course, my sons liked it. They laugh at anything stupid. As for the Mister, he’s a huge Kevin James fan. He was going to enjoy it just because of him.

But me? I wish I had spent my six bucks at Chipotle.

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